If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
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