my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
I thought pig tail meant you were suppose to grab on to it when getting BJ
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
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