dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
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