Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
Randomize
