Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
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