I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
Wow just saw this. Nothing like a little anal sex to ring in 2012.
And now she's hand feeding me pork rines and showing me her angry birds high scores. This is Vegas.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
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