everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
Randomize
