you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Randomize
