I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Randomize
