What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
sometimes you have to go after what you want
true. and i really want to cum
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
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