apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
well i did feel guilty about it. until i saw how hot the guy was the next day. now, nothing but pride.
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
Randomize
