my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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