I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
Shitshow foam night was such a success
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
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