just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
Reggie can tackle my bush.
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We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
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You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.