I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
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