Don't you send me to vm
so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
