Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
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