If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Randomize
