Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
I suggest both. Please have sex with them and prepare notes for a final comparison.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
