I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
Be honest with Daniel. He was a good rebound to you for nine months and he made it so you could be with the one you really love and care for now. Just tell him thanks and best of luck.
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
I just sucked dick on a ferry
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