Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
