shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
