Best friends brother. Beat that.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
send nudes
from the living room?
Randomize
