I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
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