I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
Tomorrow morning i will black in to find a christmas tree in my room that i dont remember how i got. I love college
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Randomize
