She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
I can't trust your balls anymore.
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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