when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize
