i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
Randomize
