So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
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