just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
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