There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
Soo time for a life change, my 6 yr old sister made my gf a puke bucket for her birthday
The problem with Wednesday evening drinking is that no gets to my level. It's like like a one man party. But it's a goood party.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Randomize
