i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
