my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
Randomize
