You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
