never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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