mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
Cute boy and deffffff wearing a HS shirt. I am getting too old to be inaccurate.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
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