Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
I haven't been this sober since birth.
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
