you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
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