honestly, who buys weed with an unemployment check?
you.
oh yeah. preciate
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
