you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
