your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
Randomize
