He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
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