the new term for farting is butt boxing.
every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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