i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Randomize
