Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Randomize
