I'm pretty sure I left my reasoning skills at home last night, and just brought anger and rage with me.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
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When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
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So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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