Of course we end up in a gay bar... And I have to tell you there are some hot dudes here, should I pass around your Facebook?
my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
"what do u think of parents raising kids to be peeping toms" said guy on bus 2 me
in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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