Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
So all semester this guy and girl have been talking, and today is the last class and we are doing nothing. I would have skipped but I want to see if he seals the deal or pusses out. It's like a season finale.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
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