I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
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