im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
