were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
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