My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
My feet surprised me
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
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