So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
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