matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
let's be real here, you have a beautiful vagina. this kid is a doctors son. that's a remedy for beautiful rich grandkids. he is just trying water his family tree, and make sure he doesn't end up in some piece of shit adult home. go for it.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
Randomize
