PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Randomize
