So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
